What the heck is wrong with me?

What a title? What the heck is wrong with me?

ALERT: F WORDS AND OTHER CUSSING IN THIS POST
If you can’t handle the language move on. I mean it. I’m about to very vulnerable and speak about something that troubles me.

I wanted to title this what the Fuck is wrong with me but I felt that might get blocked so I left it as heck.

Is food your drug of choice?

Here it is. FOOD is my drug. I’m not addicted to pain killers, alcohol, gambling or sex so that makes me better right? NO. Any addiction is an addiction. I haven’t had a healthy relationship with food for decades. DECADES. Since I was a kid I would come home from school, sit in front of the TV, eat pickles and watch Tom & Jerry until my parents came home. Food was my baby sitter.

It is scientifically proven that certain foods can trigger things in the brain similar to cocaine or other drugs. It triggers the pleasure center in the brain. We all want to feel pleasure or that other side is that we do NOT want to feel pain. Either way we are looking for a way to feel better or NOT feel worse even if it is just for a short while.

So why can’t I fix this on my own? Why do I struggle with this on a daily basis? What is wrong with me?

Food is necessary to fuel our bodies. It is not like we have to have a glass of wine to live. I could and have gone months without drinking. I haven’t gone a day without eating.
Environment. You know this one. Food all around. Temptation and not enough support or will power.
The tools aren’t the right tools for you. What motivates and inspires someone else doesn’t do the same for another. Find out what really makes you feel better. What makes your brain click on instead of reach for that THING to numb your feelings? I know for me running makes my brain click. Or writing will juice me. Working on some tedious project that stresses me out makes me procrastinate and turn to food.
Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed and don’t have enough in my emotional bucket for myself. I’ve given it all way to help others and didn’t have enough left in my own tank.
I look at other people and see how awesome they are and wonder what the fuck is my problem. I can’t see their demons. Their outside looks awesome so their inside must rock too.

Here are all of the ways I use food or the way food uses me.
1) Fuel: The body needs nourishment. You know this. I know this. It feels so much better when it has healthy stuff. I fucking KNOW THIS. When I have a salad for lunch vs a hamburger there is a difference in how I feel for hours. If I could just fix my mind to only eat for fuel I would be set. Sounds so easy and people say “Just eat healthy and you don’t have to count calories.” Oh really genius? I didn’t fucking know that. Why don’t you go write a book with your tips? Don’t you know the weight loss industry is in the billions because people DON’T KNOW how to do this?

2) Celebration: Pretty much every single holiday is surrounded by food or candy or some sort of item to consume. Do you need a list? No, I think you already know this. Superbowl, Valentines, St Patrick’s Day, Easter, Every summer holiday BBQ, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Holiday parties, birthday parties, trips the movies, Mothers day, Fathers day etc. etc. etc. I know all of the trips and tricks about how to eat healthy before I go. Drink a glass of water before I eat. I know all of these. I rarely over eat in front of people. Funny isn’t it. I will follow the rules in public but will not honor them in private. What can we do? Cancel life, go live on the Biggest Loser ranch for 4 months and reach our goal weight? Sorry but no. We live in the real world and LIFE happens every day and I’m grateful for that. I love celebrations. I also love feeling good about my choices and I have said NO to parties or events because I know myself. It was a better choice at that moment to say home than to put myself in a situation that would make me feel bad. I don’t say no too often. The point of life is to live.

3) Entertainment: Lets go to the movies. Lets go out for breakfast because we are bored. Lets get out of the house and head to State Fair or Six Flags and have a BBQ sandwich because we can’t find a place that has healthy stuff or we didn’t really look. A beer at a concert. A glass of wine at dinner. There are plenty of times where I order the “right” thing. I’ll get something from the skinny menu or share a meal. I don’t justify or treat myself to a plate of fried chicken. I just don’t want that kind of stuff. It is easy to eat a large pizza in the dark at the dinner movie theater.

4) Laziness: I meal prepped all week and now I just want someone to hand me a plate of food. I don’t want to clean my kitchen again. I just want something I can grab. If that means cucumbers and hummus, a handful of cashews, sushi I buy at the grocery store, a salad bar at Jason’s deli, or I just want to be served. Bring me something! At this point sometimes I don’t care how healthy it is. As long as I’m not cooking it I’ll take it. Sometimes I feel this from my husband too. We will both be sitting there and he will say “I just ordered a pizza” and my response is “Thank YOU!” Until after I eat it, then go immediately to bed and think “why the hell did I just do that?”

5) Loneliness/boredom: Food will keep me company and make this better. This yummy bowl of chili will comfort me. This sandwich will entertain me for 15 minutes while I stare at the TV and watch another episode of whatever. Everyone is out and about I’ll eat this bowl of popcorn and read this book.

6) Anxiety pill: This is the most common for me. Massive anxiety about anything. Money, appearance, fear of failure, fear of anything, not hitting a goal, being stuck, yada yada yada. Any voice that can speak to me in my head that is louder than the positive voice. Which wolf will grow? The one I feed. Oh I know what will fix this anxiety FOOD. Make a salad. No, that didn’t work. Grab a handful of cashews. No, that didn’t work. Have something warm. How about some black bean nachos? No, that didn’t work. What next? Cucumbers and hummus. Nope, anxiety is still here. Oh I know a sandwich from Jimmy Johns. That will fix it all. Now I’m full and sleepy. I’m going to take a nap. It’s not that I sit here and eat burgers and fries until I pass out. I eat pretty healthy foods. I just eat too much of them due to anxiety.

NO one will want ME as their coach because I’m a mess. Queue the anxiety.
I didn’t do the workout program from day 1 to day 60. Queue the self doubt.
People think I’m a failure because I gained 20 pounds. Queue the low self esteem.
My pants that I wore a year ago don’t fit. That must mean my husband doesn’t think I’m sexy.
I’m injured and I can’t do the workout. That must mean I’m lazy.

What helps me feed the positive wolf?

Being busy. If I sit there long enough not doing anything then my brain will start to kill me with anxiety. When I’m busy then I’m NOT thinking and I’m certainly NOT thinking of anything negative. I’m in the middle of DOING and NOT Thinking. Running errands, driving, writing, taking the dog for a walk, talking to my team, teaching Insanity classes, going to the gym for yoga and more. Love being busy and out of the house. It really helps my happiness.
Running. Running does things for my brain that no other workout can do. When I run, things click and fire in my brain. I’ll get ideas. Shoot I got the idea for this blog post while running. I feel powerful and challenged. I enjoy running outside but most of the time I will run on the treadmill. Why? Because I can and it is convenient. I can hop on when it is raining or 20 degrees out or pitch black. I can run when my husband is at work and my son is in bed. Sometimes I’ll even feel bad when running on the treadmill as if I’m not a real runner. There are some judgmental assholes in running. Oh I can’t stand the dreadmill. You should run outside. Look at me, I ran in the 10 degree weather and I have icicles on my eyes so I’m a better runner than you are. Fuck you, you elitist jerk. My kid is home with the flu and he is napping in the other room so excuse me for being a parent and running on the treadmill. I’m not going to get up at 4am to run in the dark to PROVE I’m a fucking runner. I AM RUNNING so that makes me a runner. Running makes me happier and shifts me into awesome. I must do it more often.
Cardio: Yes, running is cardio but I’m talking about any type of intense cardio. Spin class, Insanity, HIIT workouts are my jam. They I can finish a workout and literally cry. I will burst into tears at the end of it and sometimes during. Lifting is great but lifting doesn’t push out my demons like running or other intense cardio.
Obsession about a goal: I used to attend Weight Watcher meetings to weigh myself in public and push myself to drop a pound or two before the next week. That obsession wore off. Then I was obsessed with my Nike Fuel band. I wouldn’t rest until I hit my goal for the day. I logged fuel and hit my goal every day for 2 years! Then, the fuel band died away and I was tired of being obsessed with syncing something to my phone every night and charging yet another device. Training for a 1/2 marathon or race. I haven’t done one in a while. Running races gave me anxiety and nightmares so I decided to stop doing them and just run on my own. What I’ve realized in the last few months is that I haven’t had a goal or an obsession that drives me. Fuel points, miles per day, etc. I really do NEED a finish line. Maybe this is why I love the 21 Day Ultimate Reset or the 3 day refresh. It is a goal with a clear beginning and end. The other programs are not as clear. I LOVE programs that say eat this and now eat this, and now eat this. I LOVE CERTAINTY. Here is the rub. There is no such thing as certainty in anything. We are not guaranteed tomorrow but we act like we are. We can only make the best decision right now and then make another BEST decision in that moment.
Fun and laughter. I LOVE laughing. Who doesn’t? Comedy? Oh yes. Sign me up. I want to laugh and laugh and laugh. Fun people? Oh yes. Please bring them to me. Show me where they are. I would love to have a conversation and laugh. I love the sun on my face and people smiling around me. I love coaching because it introduced me to many people just like me. People who want a happy life and also have their own demons but are willing to work together to succeed.

Today I woke up overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety. My shoulder hurt and my head started to talk to me in a very mean way.

Heather, your make up looked good yesterday but you looked like shit.
You wore a bigger pair of jeans than you wore this time last year.
Your face looked puffy in those pictures.
You had a double chin while getting make up.
Your fat rolls were all over the place.
Just stay in bed. No one wants to see your fat ass today.
Pretend you are sick and just lie here.
No one will know if didn’t post a thing on Facebook. You post too much and no one cares. Just stay in bed.
You are not that great of a coach because you can’t even get your own shit together. Just stay in bed. You are definitely sick.

Here is what I did to shift it:

I GOT MY ASS OUT OF BED
I put on my workout clothes and drank a big glass of water
I played a game of monopoly with my son and let him win (which I never do)
Drank some pre workout drink and started a workout. (My hurt shoulder wouldn’t let me continue.)
Changed into my running shoes and my calf compression sleeve and jumped on the treadmill
Ran 3 miles of sprints until it made me cry. I ran and cried and pushed myself to my limit.
Made myself a healthy breakfast and sat down to write this post.
Downloaded an app on my phone to remind me about my goals so I can have fun with it. I want to have fun with my journey and not feel like it is a bolder on my back.

So, in summary. I’m not perfect. I have massive demons and I beat myself up A LOT. It is my prayer that I have peace in my heart and that I love myself no matter what. I am a work of art. I am a work in progress. I am worthy of my own love. Getting out of my head and out into the world is what I need and it is what the world needs. The world needs me to be at my best. The world needs YOU to be at YOUR best too.

If you are reading this right now, you relate, and it makes you feel better then tell me about it. I want you to know that you are not alone and I would love to know that I’m not alone either.